I stirred from sleep as he got into bed behind me. Eyes closed as he settled in behind me, I accepted his hand on my waist and leaned back into his chest so he cradled me.
“I missed you,” he said, softer than a whisper that needed no answer.
I tightened my hold on his hand, leaning my head so his kisses landed easier on my neck. “Missed you,” I slurred. “Waited for you.”
“Yeah?”
I burrowed my head back into the pillows, wanting to stay in that sweet spot between asleep and awake. Asleep enough that he stayed, awake enough that I could be aware of his presence.
Morning broke and I was alone. I couldn’t help but put my hand in the space behind me, where he had been. Cold. I sat there for a moment, willing the fog of tiredness to leave my brain. The last thing I wanted to do was pull myself from the warmth of my blankets into the cold house. But my feet landed on the cold floor and and I padded to the kitchen where I started the coffee pot.
I leaned my back on the counter, staring at the window blinds I hadn’t opened yet. He used to do that.
He entered like he’d been awake for hours, kissing me on the side of the head and dropping his mug in the sink before double taking at the coffee pot. “Sorry,” he said. “I guess I forgot to turn it back on after the power went out.”
“The power went out?” I asked.
“Storm dropped tree limbs on the lines. But the generator is on now.”
“Will you be staying home from work?” I asked, memory echoing in my head.
“Nah, Jones still wants us out there. I don’t mind showing up a little late, though.” He sidled closer to me, hands on my hips and lowering his head to catch my lips.
I went to the window now, opened the blinds. The thaw had come weeks ago. The first shoots of green were coming through.
“I wish you wouldn’t go,” I heard myself saying in the background. “My cousin said it’s a given, you can go work for him whenever you want. It’s less dangerous, it’s closer…”
“I know,” he said. “And I’m going to take it. But I can’t leave Jones in the lurch, he’s been good to me, not to mention…we can use the extra cash right now.”
“I don’t mind waiting to have a family if it means I get to keep what I have now.” Words I didn’t say. Words should have said. Words I wish I’d said.
“And I love that about you,” he might have said. “I love every time I come home from work and you’re waiting right here with that smile for me. But I want to provide for you. These last couple of years have been rough. I want to make it better.”
At the sound of car doors slamming out front I squeezed my eyes shut. Funny how that sound made it among the ones that haunted me. I willed my attention to go back to the kitchen, to the cozy morning, but the inevitable played before my eyes.
The knock on the door.
The news.
My knees hitting the floor.
The wailing. Couldn’t have been anyone but me.
His hand touched my chin, turned my face toward him. “I’m sorry,” he said. “The last thing I wanted to do was bring you pain.”
“But you did. And you’re not here to fix it,” I said aloud, in the present, tears spilling down my cheeks.
His eyes followed them down, and he took my face in both his hands, wiping them away with his thumbs even while they kept coming. He didn’t say anything. There was nothing he could say.
“Gabby?”
I turned hastily, swiping the tears away. “Hey, Kells. Sorry, did I wake you?”
I returned back to her, affecting a smile as though it would disguise the shining of my eyes.
“You didn’t wake me,” my sister said. “I was just about to make breakfast, I didn’t think you’d be up already.”
“Yeah, I thought I’d try it,” I said. “But I think I will go back to bed.”
“Okay, well, I’ll bring it to you when it’s ready, how does that sound?”
I nodded wanly, and made my escape.
He grinned back at me from an earlier time. I followed his ghost down the hall, but stopped in one of the guest rooms while he continued on down to our room. He was gone where I could not follow. Not yet.